First Time’s the Charm
If you follow this blog, by virtue of typing in the URL you are already privy to one of the most formational things about my childhood. My name is not hard to spell…but it’s easy to misspell. In fact, if I gave you my first and middle name, the odds of you spelling one right are slim, but both? Ain’t gonna happen.
Most of the time in restaurants, I don’t bother spelling it. If they ask, I just tell them it doesn’t matter. If I’m running high energy, my go-to joke is, “The third way you’d think”. This usually worked to get them to the right place.
Somehow the least phonetic version is the most common first guess, “Sean”. Then they try “W”. Finally after some deep thought, we get there. Third try is the charm I suppose. There was one time, I told them, “With an a-u-n” and the barista at the coffee shop that I’ll leave unnamed actually wrote, “Seaun” on my cup. Though that’s better than the time I said, “Shaun” and the barista wrote, “Chuck”.
I make it a joke now, but as I reflect, this issue has made its mark. Certainly, of all the first-world problems, this is pretty basic. But my journey from fighting to have it right to just letting it go feels more poignant as I continue to wrestle with an adult ADHD diagnosis and the impact that had on me over time.
I hadn’t put much thought into this until a random stop into a bagel shop a couple weeks ago. One of those places where you place the order at one counter, then take your ticket to the register. I gave my order and my name, she handed me the yellow copy of the ticket and I started to walk away. Then I saw it. Unprompted, unasked, there was my name spelled right. It stopped me in place. I felt seen. I turned back to thank her. Confused her more than anything I suppose, but I couldn’t help it.
I sat down with my wonderful bagel sandwich and pondered why such a small thing had made such a deep impact on my morning. Why did this little accidental gift feel so meaningful? Though I often miss opportunities for self-reflection, as I sat there, I put my phone away and gave my attention to the moment.
When I was younger, I learned fairly early that if I was fully me I often came out worse. I was too much or too little, too loud or too quiet. Eventually I adapted and figured out how to act like a “median” version of who I really am. Actually, not too far off the “Seaun” name I was once handed on a coffee cup. But playing the role of Seaun was exhausting. I am so thankful for my wife, kids, sister, and a few well chosen friends who got to know Shaun and liked him.
But here’s the thing, I’m not alone. The odds are that little, maybe undiscoverable things have shaped you over time as well. You probably have a version of you that the world gets to see first, and only once someone has proven themselves safe do you risk showing them the “you” you most love to be. Maybe you are as fortunate as me and have people who allow you to be you without judgment. And you probably also have people that remind you why you built that other person in the first place.
I won’t try to unpack all of the identity issues you and I deal with in a blog post. I do need to get on with my day. But I want to land this with a heartbeat of hope. The hope that has given my life purpose and clarity. A hope that even takes the weakest parts of me and uses them to accomplish things beyond my imagination.
John 10:2-3 CSB
The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens it for him, and the sheep hear his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.
“By name”
God tells Moses that he knew him by name. Isaiah is told that God knows all of his children by name and he is calling them to himself. The Psalms and Jeremiah remind us that even before we were born our names and days were known and treasured by our creator.
Long before I was emotionally aware enough to reflect deeply in a bagel shop and process deep hurts, I grew in confidence that apart from any acceptance or approval from those around me, I was seen, known, and loved by the one who taught fish to swim and birds to fly.
However seen or unseen you feel today, I pray above all that you know that there is one who has never misspelled your name.